| - everyone should have this cd... it owns well, its funny how everytime i write one of these i feel like i need to let out a sigh or something cliche'. went to freakers ball tonight and it was awful. it was one of those things where if you had been alone you wouldve left hours ago and just said 'fuck it'. it was freezing cold and wet and we were standing there already in the knowledge that we werent even going to see the bands we came to see. it was also the kind of cold that sticks to your bones and you cant escape it. however i wouldnt have walked out for a hundred bucks. it was priceless friend time and that shit is hard to come by. ive also come to realize that i have had a really good friend this whole time and its only getting cooler and cooler knowing her more. val's awesome and like no other friend i have ever had besides tracey has she ever remotely done anything behind my back.. not even a word.
ill never thank her enough for everything. the really just BAD days that ive been having and the downright depression that just strangles me all the time doesnt seem to bother me as much when im talking or hanging with her.
ive had such a bad past week. its unreal. ill be perfectly fine and then WHAM like a ton of bricks, no matter what im doing, ill start tearing up and cant stop it from turning into a friggin waterfall. if i smell a cologne that smells like his or IF I HEAR WONDERWALL ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR...(and the fact that were not talking anymore and that that song is really sweet and talking about someone being the one to save someone makes it just even more depressing to hear)
ive just been really honestly sad. i thought i stayed because i was supposed to... honestly i did. but i guess life isnt like the movies where the guy just looks at you and says ''im just really glad you didnt go'' and hugs you and you can start new. NO! in REAL life the guy tells you that its too late and treats you like a total and complete stranger and all youre left to do is wait until hes not around again and cry so hard you might try to erase whats going on. i cant do ANYTHING and its killing me. all the bullshit hes been told is in his mind as fact and he never cared enough about me to let me help take this to a new 'square one'.
i just want to start over from scratch. i wanted us to be perfect and better than anythhing we'd ever been. no distrust and suspicion. no taking-other-peoples-words-over-each-others, the ''new'' us would have more respect for each other and take our problems to the other instead of spreading it everywhere else.. just new and completely different..
i dont know what i expected when i walked out of the friggin swinging door. it was kind of ironic that it was a swinging door. i think he is just going to make me feel really bad about this and make sure that i know that its my fault and make sure i think that the only reason we got like this is because i was unsure and confused. i think hes going to take this time to get over me and forget everything while i sit and torture myself about 'wishing i could go back' and unpack everything and tell him that i got it.. that i listened and understood. well i didnt understand.. i didnt... until the plane was right there. i didnt know if he meant anything because everyone says things. and i wanted my whole life with him so i thought maybe i was getting into something that was too good to be true. well he says to this day that he cares but he then proceeds to pretend he doesnt know me and i think that maybe i shouldve just gotten on the fuckin plane because i would never have done that to him. i ACTUALLY care about him. if he stayed for me i wouldnt give a single guilt trip.. i would look at him and just be so thankful he got it and that he didnt leave.
fuck... maybe this was just a game. what the hell.. why am i getting a bajillion signals from him but im being yelled at because i DONT see??? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO HERE??
this sucks so bad.. i miss him. i miss laying next to him and folding my hands up in between us.. i miss watching him sleep and being able to kiss his jaw and then just go back to sleep.. i always slept so deep next to him... i miss hugging him.. because whether he meant to or not.. when he hugged me.. and when he kissed me.. it felt like he meant it.. (wow thats sucks.. i had to go back and change hugs and kisses to hugged and kissed.. past tense.. blehhh i hate this)
should i have left for florida?
i cant live like this.. here. i dont want to live without him....but if i have to i want to be as far away as possible.
if things dont look up.. im on the next flight.. and if i find out that everything WASNT real... itll be a one way ticket. without him i dont really have any business staying here.
| 
